a sinner's Savior

Sometimes I worry. Sometimes I freak out. Sometimes my mind races trying to figure out how plans will come together, how tasks will get accomplished. Sometimes I question whether I am making the right decisions.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I am content to trust God with what I cannot see. Sometimes I am confident that He has my back and goes before me. Sometimes I trust Him to provide for every one of my needs.

Sometimes.

The difficulty is that I realize that there are no times when I should be worrying or freaking out or questioning. I know that all times I can and should trust God and be confident in Him and know that He will provide for me...He always has.

But, the sometimes still come.

Perhaps it is because I am not as vitally united to Him as I need to be. Perhaps I am not praying about everything and giving thanks often enough. Perhaps I am clinging too tightly to what is in my hand to receive what is being offered to me. Perhaps it is just that I am a sinner.

Sometimes I simply need to be reminded that I have a sinner's Savior.

"My child, don't you worry...I am a sinner's Savior, Miracle of age, unconditional Love that is yours everyday. I'm the Gateway to glory, My promises sure, My mercies everlasting. Oh, and I am yours." ~ Katie Heckel, "My Child, Don't You Worry"

being poor

The other day I read a blog post about being poor. It listed all these realities of what it is like to be poor. Now, it would be important to note that this was written based upon being poor in America. It provided a very American perspective. Living overseas and having many international friends makes me realize that these realities may not span across borders.

Regardless, I read this list and was heartbroken. I am not poor. I am just not. I read the list and cried. I simply do not know what it feels like to sit with your sick child in your lap for hours in the emergency room because that is the only place that you can get treatment. I grew up middle class.

Being poor is something I grapple with regularly. I really do not think of myself as frivolous or materially wealthy. That is okay. Sure, there are things that would be nice to have, or I would like to do. But, I am not poor. I do not have an iPhone or an iPad. To be honest, I cannot even afford to repair my MacBook Pro's screen after it was cracked a few months ago. The display is still functional, so cracked it shall stay. I keep track of every 500 riel note (13 cents) I give to parking attendants. I always wash and reuse ziploc bags. I never turn on the air conditioner in my bedroom, even when it feels like 116F outside and I toss and turn all night, sweaty. I make my own yogurt. I eat more beans and less meat. I sometimes tell my friends that I have "other plans" when they invite me out to lunch or dinner, even if the "other plans" are eating leftovers in my living room because I do not have the extra cash to go out somewhere. But, I am not poor. I eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, and I am always able to eat 3 meals per day. I have Internet access in my home. I drive my own motorbike. I am in graduate school. I run...for fun, and I buy quality shoes to do it in. Sometimes I go out and buy a latte at a cafe. Sometimes at the end of the month I regret buying that latte.

I am not poor, but I see people who are everyday. I see people who are struggling to survive, to just get by, to dig between the couch cushions to find some change to pay the heating bill, to borrow from the loan shark to buy their son a school uniform. Re-used ziploc bags, sweaty nights, and regretted lattes just don't seem the same.

I am not sure what all of this means. I know that sometimes the poor just get poorer, the rich just get richer, and those in the middle just try to stay there. I know that sometimes justice does not seem to win, and to be honest, I am just not sure what to do with that...

"A poor person's farm may produce much food, but injustice sweeps it all away." Proverbs 13:23

filters

Different people have different filters. Sometimes I think that there are people who have no filters at all, but that is not really true. We all filter ideas and thoughts before they manifest themselves. We consider what we say, to whom we say it, how we act. There are ideas that are released through the more porous public filter, the things we don't mind the whole world knowing. There are thoughts we release through a less porous filter to a wide, but limited, population. There are things we release only to the filter of friends and family. There is a filter that is harder to get through that releases information to only a select person or few people. We all filter things differently.

I know that I am pretty careful about how I filter information. And, I have realized that this affects others' perceptions of me. I will be honest and say that I am not person who typically wears my heart on my sleeve. There are deep things in my heart that most people do not know. However, I am an incredibly passionate person, so I am realizing that people think they understand my heart more than they actually do. And, I am not upset with them. I am not judging them. I understand why they believe certain things about me. But, I want to assure them that there are many things they are not privy to, there is information that did not make it through the filter to them. I am not hiding it. I am protecting it. I know there are people that will argue that is not okay, that I do not let people into my life. I disagree, and I think I have some great friends who would support me in that--because they know my heart.

There are always aspects of people that do not make it through the filter to what we see and know. I think I just needed to say that today.

passionate

I have been told that I am quite passionate. I have been told that I can actually be quite intimidating. I realize that I have a tendency to do things at full throttle. If I agree to do something, I am committed to it. I will see it through, and I will not do it halfway. There have been occasions where I have known that I did not even need to submit an assignment for a class and would still come away with an "A," but I could not allow myself to skip the assignment. Not only did I have to do the assignment, but I also had to do it to the best of my ability.

I like to do things with excellence. This used to be out of a desire to achieve perfection. But, I gave up on perfection quite awhile ago. I am not striving for it anymore. Now, I seek to utilize the gifts within me to bring honor and glory to my God. Believe me, I am well aware that I am not perfect. And, the truth is that there are plenty of things I am NOT passionate about. I am not passionate about learning to juggle or being a concert pianist or working with the elderly. Those are all admirable things in their own right, and I have respect for those who pursue them and are passionate about them.

The truth is that my passion stems from something beyond me. I feel that it is unfair to neglect the gifts and abilities that the God of the universe bestowed upon me. How dare I haphazardly put together a project when He gave me the ability to do it excellently? Who am I to decide that something is not worthy of my time or hard work when it has been set before me? I think my God expects better of me because He knows what is within me.

"As slaves of Christ, do the will of God with all your heart. Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." Ephesians 6:6b-7

stop pretending

Sometimes life is challenging. Sometimes loving is difficult. Sometimes it is easier to just "fake it."
But, I do not want to do that. I do not want to put up a facade. I do not want to pretend to do the right thing.
I want to be sincere and genuine. I desperately want to be this. I want to see the hearts of people. I want to earnestly listen to them, to care about what they care about. I want to willingly and joyfully set aside my plans and intentions in order to give to another. I want to be the person God desires me to be and encourage others to be who He wants them to be also.
I do not want to put on a show for people. I do not want to do what's right so that I will be rewarded or patted on the back. I do not want to put on a smile that is akin to a set of wax lips. I do not want to give pat answers.
Above all, I want to be like Jesus. I want to show mercy and compassion. I want to listen. I want to get angry about injustice. I want to be patient. I want to forgive quickly. I want to believe the best of people, even when I have a list of reasons not to. And, I do not want any of it to be out of a sense of self-righteousness or obligation or guilt. I want it to just be who I am...because of Who is in me.

"Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality." Romans 12:9-13

things that matter...

i try to maintain a perspective in all aspects of life about things that matter and things that do not. there are many, many things that matter. there are many, many things that simply do not matter. i find that sometimes the line between the two can get blurry, especially when it is right before our eyes. sometimes we become dramatic, worthy of a stage even, about things that do not matter.


last week i was tempted to whine about my electricity being out. (ok, maybe i gave in to the temptation.) for reasons unknown to me, my neighborhood lost power for a total of about 15 hours over the course of about 28 hours last monday and tuesday. this meant that i cooked dinner on my gas stove in the shadows of the setting sun, ate in still darkness, and sat in my living room with sweat literally pouring down my face. i am not exaggerating. sweat. pouring. shirt. soaking. the lack of power meant that i had to go in search of electricity and free wifi at a cafe in order to do my homework. it meant that food had to be thrown out. it meant that sleep was fleeting. it meant that clothes had to be washed by hand.

but, the truth is that it doesn't really matter. that was last week. it is all but forgotten. today there are fans. today there are lights. today there is refrigeration and wifi.

so, what does matter? or maybe, who matters?

i hope that i can always maintain a perspective that focuses on what matters, and i think what matters is people--living, breathing, hurting, hoping people. i do not want to be distracted by inconvenient things that will not matter tomorrow or next week, let alone in five years or fifty. rather, i want to consider people. i want people to matter to me. that is what mattered to Jesus. and above all else, i want the things that matter to me to be the same things that mattered to Him.

so, whether sweating or shivering, whether with wifi or without, whether by fluorescent or by flame, i choose to focus on the things that matter.

God, be merciful...

"Then Jesus told this story to some who had great confidence in their own righteousness and scorned everyone else: 'Two men went to the Temple to pray. One was a Pharisee, and the other was a despised tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: "I thank You, God, that I am not a sinner like everyone else. For I don't cheat, I don't sin, and I don't commit adultery. I'm certainly not like that tax collector! I fast twice a week, and I give you a tenth of my income." But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, "O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner." I tell you, this sinner, not the Pharisee, returned home justified before God. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.'" Luke 18:9-14

I really feel like these verses can just stand on their own. You do not need my commentary, but here it is.
Humility.
Mercy.
My daily prayer is becoming, "God, be merciful..."
I am far from what I should be, what I desire to be. I try to not to cheat, try not to sin, try to be faithful. But, the reality is that I am a sinner. I get angry. I make false judgments. I grow impatient. I act selfishly. I miss the mark.
And, I know it. I think that acknowledgment is what God is really seeking. He desperately wants us to own up to our failures, our sins, our ugliness. He desperately wants us to petition Him to be merciful because He desperately wants to be merciful.