stop pretending

Sometimes life is challenging. Sometimes loving is difficult. Sometimes it is easier to just "fake it."
But, I do not want to do that. I do not want to put up a facade. I do not want to pretend to do the right thing.
I want to be sincere and genuine. I desperately want to be this. I want to see the hearts of people. I want to earnestly listen to them, to care about what they care about. I want to willingly and joyfully set aside my plans and intentions in order to give to another. I want to be the person God desires me to be and encourage others to be who He wants them to be also.
I do not want to put on a show for people. I do not want to do what's right so that I will be rewarded or patted on the back. I do not want to put on a smile that is akin to a set of wax lips. I do not want to give pat answers.
Above all, I want to be like Jesus. I want to show mercy and compassion. I want to listen. I want to get angry about injustice. I want to be patient. I want to forgive quickly. I want to believe the best of people, even when I have a list of reasons not to. And, I do not want any of it to be out of a sense of self-righteousness or obligation or guilt. I want it to just be who I am...because of Who is in me.

"Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality." Romans 12:9-13

things that matter...

i try to maintain a perspective in all aspects of life about things that matter and things that do not. there are many, many things that matter. there are many, many things that simply do not matter. i find that sometimes the line between the two can get blurry, especially when it is right before our eyes. sometimes we become dramatic, worthy of a stage even, about things that do not matter.


last week i was tempted to whine about my electricity being out. (ok, maybe i gave in to the temptation.) for reasons unknown to me, my neighborhood lost power for a total of about 15 hours over the course of about 28 hours last monday and tuesday. this meant that i cooked dinner on my gas stove in the shadows of the setting sun, ate in still darkness, and sat in my living room with sweat literally pouring down my face. i am not exaggerating. sweat. pouring. shirt. soaking. the lack of power meant that i had to go in search of electricity and free wifi at a cafe in order to do my homework. it meant that food had to be thrown out. it meant that sleep was fleeting. it meant that clothes had to be washed by hand.

but, the truth is that it doesn't really matter. that was last week. it is all but forgotten. today there are fans. today there are lights. today there is refrigeration and wifi.

so, what does matter? or maybe, who matters?

i hope that i can always maintain a perspective that focuses on what matters, and i think what matters is people--living, breathing, hurting, hoping people. i do not want to be distracted by inconvenient things that will not matter tomorrow or next week, let alone in five years or fifty. rather, i want to consider people. i want people to matter to me. that is what mattered to Jesus. and above all else, i want the things that matter to me to be the same things that mattered to Him.

so, whether sweating or shivering, whether with wifi or without, whether by fluorescent or by flame, i choose to focus on the things that matter.

God, be merciful...

"Then Jesus told this story to some who had great confidence in their own righteousness and scorned everyone else: 'Two men went to the Temple to pray. One was a Pharisee, and the other was a despised tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: "I thank You, God, that I am not a sinner like everyone else. For I don't cheat, I don't sin, and I don't commit adultery. I'm certainly not like that tax collector! I fast twice a week, and I give you a tenth of my income." But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, "O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner." I tell you, this sinner, not the Pharisee, returned home justified before God. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.'" Luke 18:9-14

I really feel like these verses can just stand on their own. You do not need my commentary, but here it is.
Humility.
Mercy.
My daily prayer is becoming, "God, be merciful..."
I am far from what I should be, what I desire to be. I try to not to cheat, try not to sin, try to be faithful. But, the reality is that I am a sinner. I get angry. I make false judgments. I grow impatient. I act selfishly. I miss the mark.
And, I know it. I think that acknowledgment is what God is really seeking. He desperately wants us to own up to our failures, our sins, our ugliness. He desperately wants us to petition Him to be merciful because He desperately wants to be merciful.

interruptions

Recently, I had one of those days where I was completely set to dive into a pile of tasks and be super productive only to face constant interruption. I sat down at my desk with my computer and books and pen and lists, and I was set to go...or not.
I ended up nailed to my chair for an hour and a half while a co-worker nearly ran out of air as she spoke about everything under the sun. Seriously, she spoke went from politics to studying at university to religion to famine in Africa. It was a bit overwhelming, really. And, especially so as it was exclusively in Khmer. After nearly 2 hours, I had a pounding headache and not a single thing checked off my to-do list for the day.
I was annoyed by the interruption and was determined to avoid them for the afternoon.

But today, reality set in. My co-worker was sharing with me how much she values being able to talk to me about these things, about how she needs to be able to de-stress with someone because some things are just too heavy to carry around. And, I felt about 2 inches tall as I remembered how annoyed I was on that day of constant interruption. The truth is that I understand the importance of having a listening ear, of being able to share with someone who really "gets" it. I also understand that sometimes the need to word vomit does not come at the most opportune times. And, I realize that being a listening ear can be considerably more valuable than crossing things off of a list.

Perhaps I need to shift my perspective on interruptions and view them a bit more as opportunities. An opportunity to be patient. An opportunity to care about someone else. An opportunity to have compassion. An opportunity to be a bit more like Jesus...

"Then Jesus said, 'Let's go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile.' He said this because there were so many people coming and going that Jesus and His apostles didn't even have time to eat. So they left by boat for a quiet place, where they could be alone. But many people recognized them and saw them leaving, and people from many towns ran ahead along the shore and got there ahead of them. Jesus saw the huge crowd as He stepped from the boat, and He had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So He began teaching them many things." Mark 6:31-34

the more important things

"Then the Lord said to him, 'You Pharisees are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy--full of greed and wickedness! Fools! Didn't God make the inside as well as the outside? So clean the inside by giving gifts to the poor, and you will be clean all over. What sorrow awaits you Pharisees! For you are careful to tithe even the tiniest income from your herb gardens, but you ignore justice and the love of God. You should tithe, yes, but do not neglect the more important things." Luke 11: 39-42

I do not want to become distracted by my outward appearance to others. I do not want to worry about splitting theological hairs. I do not want the fruit of my life to be greed wickedness. I do not want to be concerned with counting out my pennies or my 100 riel notes to ensure that my tithe is complete.

Justice. Love. Those are the more important things.

I want to be a lover of people. I want to be generous and give gifts for the sake of giving gifts not for the sake of my own benefit or ease conscious. I want to be kind because there are already plenty of people who are not. I want to consider others better than myself. I want to offer people justice and dignity, and I realize that in order to do that it may cost me something, which I have to accept for what it is. It is worth it. It is worth it because it is far more important than a few sprigs of parsley or some dirt under my fingernails...

on growing up...

Growing up. That is what we are supposed to do. We are supposed to get taller and stronger and have larger vocabularies and be able to express ourselves better. We are supposed to cease throwing temper tantrums when we do not get what we want. We are supposed to learn that the world does not revolve around us and our every whim. We are supposed to become responsible and productive members of society. You know, the kind that get up in the mornings and show up to work on time. (I think when I was in high school my dad may have had his doubts that I would actually ever be able to do this one as he yelled at me to get out of bed EVERY morning.) These are all the things we know about growing up, but the reality is that sometimes we get stuck.

Sometimes we forget that we are 26 or 35 or 57 or fill-in-the-blank. Quite frankly, sometimes we simply act like 2-year-olds. A few weeks ago I was visiting my family, and I had a little giggle watching my 2-year-old nephews and the potential eruption that was brewing. One of them likes to open cabinet doors. One of them likes to keep cabinet doors closed. So, this is a little bit what the scene looked like.

 
Caleb told Aden to close it. Aden returned a death stare. Frustration started to rise on both sides. Sound familiar?
Now, I like to think that I no longer make a high-pitched shriek when someone else blatantly goes against what I want them to do. However, I am not sure that the response I do have is any more desirable. Is anyone else tracking with me here?
What is wrong with us? Why do we so often still act like toddlers? And, I do not mean that we are fighting over whether the cabinet doors are open or closed. I mean the ways we fail to consider others and think only of ourselves. Did we ever really learn that the world does not center around us? Other people and materials do not exist simply to make my life more comfortable. Yes, I want to enjoy people, and I do not see anything wrong with enjoying stuff. But, people make mistakes and stuff breaks. That is just the way things go, and I want to be able to live with an attitude that is thankful and joyful and filled with mercy and grace. I want to love justice. I want to grow up.

"You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God's word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food. For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn't know how to do what is right. Solid good is for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognized the difference between right and wrong." Hebrews 5:12-14

a better question?

So, you know those questions we ask ourselves about the goals and purpose of our lives? Ok, so maybe you don't ask yourselves these kind of questions, but humor me.


I have often wondered if I am doing the right thing, if I am living well, if I am really making a difference, if I am really enjoying the life I am living, if I am kind enough or compassionate enough or just enough. The truth is that I want to live a life that truly honors my glorious God, but sometimes I think that I might make that a little too complicated in my pursuit to be like Jesus, to do what Jesus would want me to do. And, a few days ago I was reading in Carl Medearis's book Speaking of Jesus when he posed the following question about a better question we should be asking ourselves:


"If Jesus were living my life right now and He were here doing what I'm doing, would He be pleased or want to do something else?"

I hope beyond hope that He would be pleased...